


Nature and Nurture

by Texan_Red_Rose



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 14:58:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1391941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Texan_Red_Rose/pseuds/Texan_Red_Rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya needs some advice and there's only one logical place to get it: the dream bubbles.</p>
<p>Alternately titled: Kanaya Is Neurotic And Rose Loves Her Anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nature and Nurture

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: As usual, I don’t own a damn thing.

Kanaya looked at the still pool of water, gauging her reflection, criticizing it. In the dream bubbles, she always appeared as she wished to, never a hair out of place or a stray smear of lipstick in sight. To see that visage looking back at her given the last week was… troubling, so very troubling. She should not look so well rested, so neat, so normal- not when Rose looked somewhere between anxious, haggard, and eager all the time in the waking world. Despite the scant seven rotations of the planet they had called home for more than a sweep, it felt like a small eternity had passed since the radical change in their somewhat established routine.

She bit her lip but it did nothing; after all the suffering and fighting and clawing, she wished to not feel pain in the dream bubbles, and so she did not. Dream bubbles should not be so kind, she thought; it would just lull her into a truly false sense of security. It also added to the guilt weighing on her shoulders like an invisible shroud while doing nothing to obscure the cheery, glittering gold of her Prospitain dress. 

Tearing her gaze from the impossibly still water, Kanaya sought the constant form of solace she’d come to associate with everything worth living- and dying- for in the numerous capacities she’d endured since the onset of Sgrub. Rose, clad in the deep purple of a Derse dreamer that made her own lilac eyes shine, stood on the edge of the imaginative clearing to give her space. Dave, Roxy, and Dirk stood by her side as they idly talked and left Kanaya to her plan. This was something Kanaya emphatically believed she had to do alone. Well, as alone as possible, all things considered.

It was a heated argument but Rose had finally relented, insofar as she promised to remain out of earshot. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Kanaya made a mental note to apologize; she might’ve absconded the moment she arrived if the blonde hadn’t been there to prod her forward. Just because she believed it was a solo mission didn’t exactly make her keen to undertake it. Odd, she thought ruefully, that after all the horrors of the game, this would be the thing to make her baulk, draw out her cowardice from its secret lair that it might stand at its full height.

That the others had stayed was a little surprising, but only a little. Neither Lalonde nor the Striders thought it would work- honestly, she was beginning to think they were right and it was foolish of her to even try- but Human relationships were very funny things. Rose’s love for her compelled her to try despite her reservations and their arguments, and the other humans’ love for Rose- though different in form and capacity - compelled them to help as much as they could. Of course, it also compelled them to wait on the edge of the dream bubble, in case Kanaya needed their support in any fashion. She couldn’t help but be grateful for that now.

It was also surprising things had flowed so smoothly, to say the least, but that did nothing to quell the unease pooling in the depths of her abdomen. All of them lost their abilities to intentionally tap the powers lying just beneath their skin after entering the new session, Rose included. They were literally taking a shot in the dark by coming here. Yet, here they came, as intended. 

Despite the reassurance that should have brought, Kanaya felt that staying in the dream bubble would do her little to no good. It was foolish, really, risking horrorterrors and no-one-quite-knew-what else on a whim, but it was her only hope. Unless Porrim- the only other being in all of paradox space she could possibly imagine attempting to talk to about this particular subject- decided to ride her meteor into the world the very next morning, this was it. Which… given the sadistic timing of the game in general, wouldn’t be altogether surprising.

She was about to leave the pool’s edge when she heard soft but measured footfalls behind her. Her gaze fell to her reflection in the water and she waited. What harm could it do? A moment passed before she was looking at her own reflection two fold; for some reason, she’d anticipated the one she considered her ancestor to look more like Porrim.

“You are troubled.” The words were clear, enunciated with a touch of elegance in a tone slightly deeper than her own but still distinctly feminine. Kanaya attempted to swallow, her throat dry now that she was standing beside the very being she’d sought out. For all her maturing since the onset of Sgrub, Kanaya had never quite outgrown her shyness. Rose would probably find the affliction cute; she, on the other hand, was mentally kicking herself. She simply couldn’t find her voice. “Take your time.”

“I’m sorry,” Kanaya mumbled and mentally kicked herself again; this was not the sort of first impression she wanted to make, especially on such a figure of incalculable importance, not only to her reason for being in the dream bubble but in the traditional sense as well. Trolls never spoke with their ancestors but it was always considered a mark of accomplishment if one could connect with those figures long past. Vriska had reminded her of that on a nigh daily bases when they were moirails on Alternia, glowing with pride whenever she found some trinket belonging to her own ancestor. Clearing her throat, she tried again, subconsciously squaring her shoulders. “I did not think you would come.”

“You called me here, Kanaya.” The other replied with a light chuckle, a warm sound that soothed her nerves. “Of course I would come.”

They stood in silence, Kanaya staring at their reflections while the Troll beside her looked… somewhere. It still unnerved her that she could never quite tell where the dead were looking, given their lack of pupils.

“The one on the right. She is your matesprit.”

Kanaya quickly glanced towards the Lalondes and then looked at Rose properly. Despite the distance, she could see the anxiousness in the blonde’s posture and she would bet Rose was doing everything she could to conjure her long discarded poker face and prevent the worry from showing. Kanaya smiled, unsure if the expression could be seen but noting the ever so slight relaxing of tensed shoulders in response. Despite it not being a question, she answered anyway. “Rose is my fated, yes.”

“I can tell. My presence disturbs her.” 

For the first time since she appeared, Kanaya turned to face the Troll that looked exactly like her, save for the garments and the worn, warm look upon her face. Dressed in fine, beautiful jade silks, The Dolorosa was just as imposing a figure as she imagined, though in a very different way; there was no aggression or threat to the magnificence but rather an unending kindness and inner glow, a radiance that was nothing like the dark illumination of a rainbow drinker.

“What makes you say that?” Kanaya looked into blank eyes, wishing she could see pupils filled with jade looking back at her. Her own eyes had started to fill but it was slow progress, not that Rose minded in the least. The girl- woman, really, seemed fascinated by the color creeping into her irises and would stare into her eyes whenever given the chance- which was often, the past week notwithstanding.

“I suspect I challenge her on an emotional level.” The Dolorosa inclined her head, making it obvious she was now looking at the slightly shorter Troll. Barely a few inches’ difference, really, for all that Kanaya felt like she was dwarfed by The Dolorosa’s elegant stature. “In my visage, she sees you, and this upsets her for we are not the same though our physical representations are nearly identical. I admit I know nothing of whichever alien race she belongs-“

“Humans,” Kanaya corrects, suddenly glad that she was far less prone to jade flushes in the dream bubbles. Interrupting one’s ancestor was probably some sort of faux pa but the only reaction she got was a quirking of black lips into a soft smile.

“She smiled at me when I appeared, as though she knew me by sight alone. I imagine that is what upset her, involuntary a reaction as it was. She does not know me; she knows only that I wear your face. Yet, there is a reaction to me that is tied to you. She must pity you very much.”

“Humans call it ‘love’ and I am quite taken with the phrase and its implications, to be honest,” Kanaya replied, a smirk touching her lips. The Dolorosa tilted her head slightly, as if confused by the expression or the words, but nodded with a fond smile. “And yes, she loves me very much, and I her.”

“I suppose it is part of us, specifically, to be perpetually at odds with some aspect of our culture, no matter how inherent or instinctual it might be.” The Dolorosa chuckled again, glancing towards the Lalondes briefly. “How funny that we each were destined to expand our emotional capacity for another being.”

“That… is actually the reason I sought you out, Dolorosa,” Kanaya’s brows furrowed a moment, trying to word her inquiries just so without allowing her nervousness to overtake her. “I must beg your advice on something.”

“By all means, ask your questions Kanaya. If I have any wisdom to impart, none is as entitled to it as you.”

Kanaya took a deep breath and exhaled through her nose. She just had to be straight, to the point, no rambling. Be blunt. “How do you raise a Troll?”

The Dolorosa blinked a few times. Apparently, there was such a thing as being too blunt for a Maryam. “I beg your pardon?”

“What I mean to ask is, of course, how one goes about raising a newly hatched wriggler, through pupation and on into adolescence and perhaps into adulthood though I fear he may never reach such an age with this horrible game beginning anew, and we already know it is a fate impossible to avoid without creating dozens upon dozens of offshoot timelines where we are all are doomed anyway and I would rather keep such occurrences to a bare minimum despite not being a Hero of Time myself, as the whole process is still enough to make my think pain ache, but I do recall how our guardians trained us to survive and the skills eventually became useful in other ways through the course of our session and beyond it, but even then some of us were unable to avoid dying, in some instances multiple times, I died once and Rose twice and-“ Kanaya instantly stopped as a familiar pair of arms wrapped around her waist and an equally familiar form pressed against her back. As Rose nuzzled against her, she felt tension she hadn’t recognized as building slowly seep away. “I was rambling.”

“Yes, and steadily raising your voice,” Rose calmly replied, a smile in her own voice as she nuzzled into Kanaya’s back. “Not to mention forgetting to stay linear in your conversation.”

Kanaya sighed and fought the twitching of her lips into a smile, laying her own arms over top the ones about her waist while avoiding the blank stare of her ancestor. She’d mentally kicked herself enough times; now she was mentally preparing to throw herself off a high cliff. Still, there was little Rose’s arms couldn’t hold at bay, up to and including self-depreciating thoughts of figurative suicide. “It’s difficult to stay linear when this blasted game refuses to do so, exploiting paradox time at every conceivable turn.”

“I know,” Rose replied, squeezing slightly. She said nothing more; Kanaya couldn’t imagine how many snarky, witty retorts passed through the blonde’s head but went unsaid in light of the circumstances. She couldn’t help but be a little more grateful for Rose’s irritatingly unreliable concept of tact than usual.

“After I left the caverns, I would often ramble at length about anything and nothing in particular to myself as a way of alleviating my anxiety.” The Dolorosa spoke softly, a wistful smile on her lips. “I was very afraid at the time, among other things. I was confused by my own actions but felt such a sense of purpose that I could not abandon my Little One and return to the world I once knew. When he grew old enough, he would listen and speak with me long into the day before we went to sleep. He said he was making up for the sweeps I had no one to talk to while he was young.” A single drop of jade fell from one eye, slowly making its way down her cheek. She did nothing to brush it away, her sad smile touched with pride. “He was always so considerate, my poor little Signless.”

“To be honest, I find myself in a similar situation, Dolorosa,” Kanaya sighed as Rose drew away, leaving the two alone once more. Part of her reconsidered, almost called out to her retreating matesprit. Instead, she continued, her voice dropping to a low whisper. “In all of Alternian history, none have ever attempted what you accomplished- acting as guardian to a wiggler. I now find myself as a guardian as well, to one so small who must accomplish so much and I don’t know what to do.”

“Perhaps… we are truly not so different, you and I.” The Dolorosa slowly sat by the pool’s edge, Kanaya joining her a moment later. They looked into the water, calm and still as ever. “It would seem your path took more turns than mine, wound its way through so much pain and anguish that still plagues you. I can hear it in your voice.” She smiled, the trail of her solitary tear gleaming in the soft light of whatever source filled the bubble. “I can also hear great happiness when you speak to your matesprit, confidence when you speak of her, fondness regarding her, and I see you comforted when she is near. These are things... I knew nothing of when I left. In fact, I knew very little of the world when I left the caverns to raise Signless, only the dim recollections from my youth to guide me and the occasional venture to the closest hive cluster that never ran longer than a night. Your path has taken you much farther; in this regard, while I understand your fear as being similar to the one that clutched my heart untold ages ago, I believe you are more prepared for the remarkable burden than I ever was.” She turned her head from the water, blank white meeting jade flecked black. “But perhaps we should start from the beginning. Tell me, Kanaya, how did you find your little one?”

“The same way you did, really.” Kanaya looked away, back to the water, as her mouth pulled into a frown. “There is a game that exists, a horrible but necessary game. It creates and destroys every universe in endless cycle. In separate sessions with others of our respective races, Rose and I played through this game, and in another we cooperated with other Humans. The end of this game allows the players to claim an ultimate reward but- through grand mechanizations beyond our control and, simultaneously, by our own design- we were cheated of this reward. To continue survival, we escaped to yet another session after the Humans’ second try, and inserted ourselves into the new world the way we all were previously inserted into our initial ones.”

“Via meteor, I presume.” The small smile grew a little bigger, a little brighter. “I remember standing on the edge of the crater vividly.”

“I wish my memory was so fond,” Kanaya admitted with a grimace, pulling her knees to her chest as she stared at the water. “I had gone for a stroll while Rose was visiting her brother and I saw the meteor fall. Not all of us came into the new session at the same time- or rather, in the same relative time frame. A few of our friends are still not with us and I thought it might be one of them appearing at long last. But… when I saw it lying there, curled up and crying against the bright sun, such a small thing in a giant hole, I… wanted to do nothing more than run away as far and as fast as I could.” Kanaya hid her face behind her hands. She expected this to be difficult, she expected the flash of shame at her initial reaction and the subsequent confusion regarding that, but it came nonetheless and it drove deep into her heart. “I know what awaits him, Dolorosa. The game is horrible and, no matter how prepared one is, it engineers itself to ensure there will always be challenges. Horrible challenges, compounded by whatever supposed advantages a player may possess. It would’ve been a mercy to cull him, to spare him that. That was my second impulse.”

None besides Rose and her extended ecto-family knew about the grub’s existence, especially none of the Trolls for fear of their reaction, and none save the Maryams were privy to Kanaya’s impulses. To her fellow Trolls, she could say those words and not be looked at as some sort of monster; to the Humans, the concept of murdering a ‘child’, even in mercy, seemed unequivocally evil for some reason, most likely due to their unique procreation methods. Rose- her wonderful, sweet, snarky, irritatingly insufferable Rose- probably would’ve gone grimdark again or at the very least brandished her needles. Dave might’ve actually disemboweled her with her own chainsaw, as he’d promised what felt like very, very long ago. 

Trolls would’ve reacted differently, though. Terezi and Vriska, had they caught wind, might’ve actually defended her but, in the same breath, also berated her for taking the thing. While they had all taken to certain aspects of Human culture with glee, Vriska and Terezi would always be Vriska and Terezi- one concerned with proving toughness and the other with upholding justice.  
Karkat probably would’ve been the only one to understand her urges to run, cull the wriggler, and the subsequent overwhelming desire to save it but he was already embroiled in his own mess and she didn’t want to add to his troubles. Poor Troll couldn’t catch a break, no matter which universe he happened to inhabit or incarnation his blood took.

There was silence for a time before The Dolorosa sighed heavily. “You must think me quite magnanimous. I assure you I am as much a product of Alternia as you. I felt the same as you did.”  
Kanaya snapped her head up, eyes wide as she looked at her ancestor. Blank eyes watched the still surface of the water, the smile from before gone and lips pressed into a thin, grim line. 

“From the moment I saw his bright red eyes, I knew there would be no place for him in our world. I knew he would be sought out and killed for his mutation and I too thought it would have been merciful to cull him, to end his misery before it began. But I did not. Even after the eternity I’ve spent drifting through my own memories, I cannot fathom why, in that moment, I disregarded that instinct.” Brows furrowed in a scowl and her lips pulled back to reveal fangs as sharp as any Troll’s. “I thought back on that decision from time to time- usually in exasperation- but I dwelled on those first few moments heavily when my Little One was captured and… tortured… before my very eyes.” 

The Dolorosa’s hands, formerly hidden in the jade sleeves of her elegant coat, were balled into fists on her knees. Kanaya imagined the severe look directed at the water was similar to what Rose coined as being ‘That Look’- she was never aware of when she managed this countenance except that it only turned up during particularly heated arguments. As a first time observer, she couldn’t help but throw an apologetic glance towards the awaiting blonde; how Rose managed to keep arguing whenever she supposedly sported ‘That Look’ spoke volumes of the woman’s conviction and stubbornness. Another heavy sigh preceded The Dolorosa’s words, tinged with sadness, and her countenance relaxed to one of weary grief and pain, edged by contentment. 

“I always believed myself selfish and a coward… even as I watched him scream in pain, I could not feel regret for a single moment I cared for him. I regretted that he was captured and part of me felt responsible for his suffering. But sweeps later, when the echoes of his pain faded from my ears, I could hear his laughter. After a while, I could see his smile instead of the bloodied grimace. Despite his suffering and my own, I clung to the good times we shared, sweeps of fond memories and even not so fond ones. They were the treasures no highblood could take from me, even after everything up to and including my life was swept away with ease. There is still pain in my heart, the pain of loss, but the thought of having followed that instinct … that is a pain I cannot abide. There would be nothing to war against it in my heart and there would be no joy as great as watching him grow.”

“So… it’s worth it,” Kanaya spoke slowly. “Despite the pain and sorrow, the challenges that lie ahead, it’s worth it in the end.” 

“I believe so, as it is with all things. Pain is horrible but it is your choice to wallow in the loss or rejoice in the memory of better days. Such is the way of life; the bad is just as inevitable as the good but it is entirely upon you which to concern yourself with. As you have said, the game you are once more destined to play will come no matter what actions you take. All you can do is prepare for it as best you can and horde treasured memories to keep you strong in times of doubt.” 

They sat in silence a few moments, gazes unfocused. No wind gently stirred their hair or rippled the water’s surface; no soft voices disturbed the calm surrounding them. They simply sat.  
“I sense that is not what is truly bothering you though, Kanaya.” The Dolorosa sighed softly, sounding neither exasperated nor irritated. If anything, she sounded amused. “We are both well aware that culling had a different meaning on Beforus; you should know that the memories of our former lives can resurface in odd ways, just as some small part of me lives on in you. Aside from that, you made your decision without any instruction and you do not sound as if you have considered taking it back.”

“I can honestly say it never crossed my mind,” she admitted with the hint of a smile to her lips. 

“Then why do you speak of such matters as if they weigh heavily upon you?”

“It just feels… good to hear someone understand that feeling, that situation,” Kanaya winced slightly, words spilling from her mouth without thought. “Not try to, in an academic or psychological fashion, not to be empathetic, but genuinely comprehend it and the invariable problems that arise as well.”

“I believe all beings seek acceptance, on some level, from others. I am certain, though, that the most important acceptance to seek is of ourselves.” Lips quirked into a knowing smile and Kanaya idly wondered if she would ever be able to affect such a look. “What do you truly seek, Kanaya?”

“Insight, I suppose would be the simplest version,” she replied, fangs worrying her lower lip as she tried to further explain herself in concise terms. Being who she was, Kanaya suspected this to be the heralded Sisyphean feat Rose spoke of on occasion. “After that initial urge to run or show it mercy, I found myself drawn down into the crater, wrapping my blouse around the poor thing to shield him from the sun. I enjoy it but most of the others don’t, though it is not nearly as unrelenting as our Alternian sun was. It was the only thing I thought to do.” Kanaya shrugged helplessly. “It was obvious. And when the hulking, odd looking shriekbeast that had also found the crater attempted to draw close- I presume to consume the wriggler, as I have never heard of such a lusus and I’m still not certain they exist in comparable capacity on the planet anyway- I fought it off. Killed it, actually. Survival, rote motions from the desert and the game, practiced swings I have always been capable of since my first strife. But that’s where my instinct ends- with combat.”

“You are a protector, a guardian, just as you have always been.” The Dolorosa pointed out softly. “While our lusii were kinder than most, you grew into a strong Troll, Kanaya, one capable of surviving the horrors of this game you speak of not once but twice. Some young Trolls must outright fight their own guardians on a regular basis to coexist and yet never achieve your strength and determination. While I sense there will be no such antagonism on your part, I also believe you will endeavor to ensure his fighting ability matches if not surpasses your own. He will grow into a strong Troll, just as you did. Still, I highly doubt this is the brunt of your discomfort.”

“No, my anxiety is not from any lack of fighting skill on my part or the ability to teach the wriggler to strife adequately when the time comes,” Kanaya laughed. “It’s that I am gifted with an exceptional alien for a matesprit.”

The Dolorosa blinked. “I am afraid I do not understand.”

Kanaya nodded, expecting that response. “Humans have a different process for procreation. They… nurture their young, from birth until an appropriate age depending on a variety of circumstances and maintain a bond throughout their lives. I understand that, to some degree, this process is instinctual, ingrained so deep in their psyche that it can be tapped unwittingly if a proper stimulus is introduced.” She shrugged. “I didn’t expect the introduction of a wriggler would trigger Rose’s, though, or her reaction to that instinctive response.”

“So, she is uncomfortable with the prospect of raising an alien child in an unconventional manner?”

“Quite the opposite, actually,” Kanaya cradled her forehead in her palms, a silly smile on her lips. “I am certain she’s ecstatic over the probability.”

They sat in heavy silence for a while. “I believe I am completely missing that which is troubling you.” The Dolorosa frowned, burrows furrowing as she slowly spoke, though this time the expression held no anger whatsoever. If her countenance wasn’t enough to confirm her confusion, the slight pause between each word certainly did. “Having a matesprit with at least a base knowledge of caring for young while remaining excited about the opportunity seems a distinct advantage over my situation. Not to mention your apparent prowess in fighting and defending those whom you care about.” She tried a moment longer to work it out but relented, shaking her head. “Really, I do not see what it is you are expecting me to tell you.”

“It’s not so much what I hope for you to tell me, Dolorosa, as I am unsure what, exactly, I must hear to abate this feeling gnawing within me,” Kanaya cringed, working hard to find the words fleeing from her mind like shadows from the sun. “I just need… help.”

“Help with what?” The robes fluttered slightly as she leaned forward, blank eyes attempting to lift the confusion clouding her mind. “Your Little One?”

“Yes and no; the wriggler is not the only factor to consider,” Kanaya looked at the still water, glowering at it. “When I returned to our hive and showed Rose the little thing, something… lit up within her. Something I’ve never seen before. She took him from me and held him, touched him lightly, and didn’t mind when he tried to bite her finger,” Kanaya slowly shook her head. “I’ve seen Rose in nearly every state of being I thought possible of such an amazing woman… but the way she looked holding him was something entirely new.”

“Despite the look on your face, I find it hard to believe this reaction has made you jealous.”

“Oh, I’m not jealous; I would wager Rose’s affections for me increased a hundred fold if that first night’s pailing was anything to judge by,” Kanaya said and instantly passed a hand over her face in exasperation. She was spending too much time around Terezi, Dave, and Vriska; her language was becoming quite crass and vulgar. But, she was being completely honest. Pushing aside the embarrassment as best as she could Kanaya continued in a tone that only marginally betrayed her discomposure. “Wh-what I am is, ah, worried, I suppose.”

The Dolorosa laughed lightly, amusement playing across her features without malice. “Breathe, Kanaya. I am not here to pass judgment or think any less of you. I am only here to help. Or, rather, attempt to help in whatever fashion I can.”

“I suppose we have that in common as well,” Kanaya laughed nervously, her fingers smoothing out nonexistent wrinkles in her Prospitain dress. “It’s not the wriggler that truly concerns me, Dolorosa. It’s Rose.”

“She appears to be taking these events so well, though. I fail to see what about her behavior would worry you.” The Dolorosa appeared to look up, towards were the Lalondes and Striders stood, but Kanaya focused on the water’s surface.

“That is because you didn’t see her face,” Kanaya sighed, caught between affection and frustration. “For that whole first day, she watched him crawl around our hive with such… wonder and… something else, something I am rapidly becoming to understand as instantaneous affection,” Kanaya said, then looked over, her eyes falling on Rose’s form as the blonde rubbed her temples. Roxy was waving her arms around wildly while the Striders made the obvious attempt to ignore her; she could only imagine what the conversation revolved around and was willing to bet it involved the other human players from their sessions. “She knew, somehow. Knew to open the door for the hall closet, knew to arrange our winter coats so he could spin his cocoon, knew to stand back and not assist him in doing so. At first, I thought it was the return of her Seer powers but… it really wasn’t. She just knew, Dolorosa. And every day and night since, she’s checked on him multiple times, sometimes waking in the middle of the night just to make certain he’s still pupating before returning to bed like nothing’s happened.”

“This does not seem like alarming activity; she seems like the type of individual who, like you, wants to protect those she cares about in whatever way possible, even if she comes off as being a bit excessive.” Kanaya smiled fondly in agreement, returning her gaze to the Troll beside her. “Perhaps her apparent knowledge is feigned and you are simply interpreting it as such.”

“No, from what I understand, it’s something called ‘maternal instinct’ that is a standard, subconscious facet of Human psychology particular to females,” Kanaya’s nose scrunched up as she thought back to their ‘Xenopsychology studies’ on the meteor- while pointedly ignoring the other ‘sciences’ they pursued. “Okay, I will concede that it might be that I simply believe she is far more comfortable with the wriggler to contrast my own stark uncertainty because I’ve always regarded Rose with adoration and admiration, especially in matters which I am inexperienced. Regardless, it still stands that I have no such instincts to call upon. Trolls don’t have mothers and it is not a role we normally assume upon reaching some critical point in our lives.”

“But here you are the exception, Kanaya.” Black lips curled into a tender smile. “You saved the wriggler from the shriekbeast and took him as your charge. Is that not an instinct we share, one that differs from our shared heritage?”

“It’s but one example,” Kanaya countered. 

“You have looked after your friends most of your life, helping them through trials and sometimes healing wounds. These are also things Alternia did not prepare you for, yet you did them anyway.”

“I have also meddled endlessly and been cursed for it many times,” Kanaya groaned, rather not wishing not to relieve those particular memories, even if they were part of the path that had led her to this moment. “I’m not winning this argument, am I?”

“I believe that last tick was in my favor.” The Dolorosa replied with a soft smile. “What is it about this Human instinct that worries you?”

“There are things she does by virtue of intuition and instinct that completely baffle me and this extends elsewhere in our relationship as well. I feel as though we are never quite evenly matched despite the illusion that I win some battles and she others; it’s as if she is always one step ahead and guiding me with touches so light I can never be sure if they exist or not.” 

“And in this way, you believe that she will, what? Resent the disadvantage your upbringing has given you?” She tilted her head to the side, as if trying to catch Kanaya’s gaze. “Do you feel that you will fail her if you cannot develop in the manner she expects of you?”

“To some extent, how could I not?” Kanaya worried her lower lip with both fangs, fingers curling into fists. “This- dealing with a member of my own race- should be at least as easy for me as it seems to be for her. Yet, I feel no urge to check on the cocoon.” She passed a hand through her hair, ignoring how every strand fell back into place the moment her fingers finished their displacement. “She attempts to arrange the furnishings of our hive to lessen dangers he might face upon pupation and I simply watch her and help, occasionally, but not because I feel it will matter to him but because it is important to her.”

“I believe I am finally beginning to grasp that which troubles you.” The Dolorosa put a finger to her lips in contemplation, as if weighing her words carefully. After a few moments, she nodded and spoke in a soft tone, neither accusing nor approving the Troll beside her. “It appears to me that you are not so much concerned about your ability to raise a Troll through maturity as you are about Rose’s perception of your ability to do so.”

Kanaya hesitated, eyes blindly searching the dream bubble’s landscape for an answer. “I suppose that is possible.”

“I would also venture that you are more concerned for Rose than you are for the wriggler you have chosen to raise and that this somehow confuses you.” The Dolorosa shook her head slightly. “I do not understand why that would be.”

“The way Rose explains it, a parent’s fondness for their child can vastly exceed that for their partner and this bond is reciprocated in kind; Human sentimentality regarding those related to them genetically can override logic, and has a few times that I’ve witnessed,” Kanaya explained, thinking back to those far off days when she knew Rose only as a character on a screen and purple text laced with sarcasm she could barely decipher. She remembered, too, watching John, Jade, and Dave, and speaking with them, reading their colorful descriptions of the others, coming to understand the bonds they shared. Conversations with Dave regarding John on the meteor, listening to the escalation of ‘sibling rivalry’ between the blondes, snatches of moments from what felt like a lifetime ago but really amounted to a few sweeps past at most. When she spoke again, her voice was quieter as those memories continued to flit through her mind’s eye. “Even an implied bond- where Humans opt on an emotional level that is not always consensual to consider another being as a member of their family unit- can become stronger than that of a quadrant based bond.”

“That sounds quite nice and not quite as alien to either of us as it would be to others I imagine.” The Dolorosa chuckled. “If I had known the term then, I believe I would have considered Signless to be my family, my son, and I his mother. I did not choose him and he did not choose me but I believe we had as close to a familial bond as Alternia had ever seen.”

“That’s the reason I sought your assistance,” Kanaya admitted, turning where she sat to face the elegant Troll. “If there is anyone in all of paradox space and time who could help me, it would be you.”

“What assistance can I be?” The Dolorosa spread her hands. “You took this responsibility without aid and have other means of support in the form of Rose’s family, I am certain. What can I do for you that they cannot?”

“You can tell me how to be a Troll mother,” Kanaya nearly growled, hands balling into fists. “Rose, Roxy… even Dave and Dirk, they understand only the Human concept of guardianship, of parenthood.”

“Is there a difference?” The Dolorosa shrugged, somehow transforming an action of uncertainty into one of grace and elegance, speaking again before Kanaya had the chance to respond. “I suppose on some level, there is, however I also believe it can be neglected in favor of the more important aspects you seem to ignore.” 

“Such as?” Kanaya raised a brow, watching her ancestor’s every move in hopes of learning the secrets held behind those blank eyes.

The Dolorosa chuckled. “Do you believe you cared less for your lusus than she did for you?”

Furrowing her brows, the young Troll turned the question over in her mind, looking for some subtle undertone but finding none. She responded with a slow shake of her head. “No.” 

“Then you believe the opposite is true?”

This time, her response was quicker. “Not in the slightest.” 

“Very well.” The Dolorosa nodded to the humans. “Do you care more for Rose than you did for your lusus?”

Kanaya blinked furiously. If there was any manner of thinking occurring in her mind, it stopped at that moment. “What?” 

“Do you care more for Rose than you did for your lusus?” The Dolorosa repeated sans amusement or irritation.

Unsurprisingly, hearing the question a second time did nothing to help her understand it. “No, I- that is to say I can’t- I cared for them both,” she settled on, wincing as the words stumbled out. “Care for them, still. My lusus will always be dear to me, just as Rose is, though I suppose in different capacities, but that does not necessarily mean in different quantities, if such quantities could be measured by any unit with which we are familiar, and I-“ She could almost hear Rose’s voice in her ear. Okay, stop rambling. Breathe. Compose yourself. Try again. “There is no accurate way to compare them. I care for them both and I firmly believe I always will.” Jade flecked eyes peered at the other Troll, painted lips drawn into a slight frown. “Why would you ask these questions?”

“I ask simply to illustrate a point, Kanaya.” The Dolorosa reached out and touched the edge of the water, sending out gentle ripples. It was strange, after watching the stillness for so long, to see movement. Moving her hand, she touched another point, a second set of ripples lightly crashing into the first. The points continued to spawn regular little waves, intersecting each other and resonating out across the surface. “You cared for your Mother Grub as she did for you. Two entirely different species and yet able to communicate a mutual bond, a mutual need for the other. True, this bond was more of a survival nature, whereas Humans seem to focus on some emotional aspect our Alternian culture has erased from our vernacular, it nevertheless stands to reason that you are capable of caring for another creature as you do for Rose. Maybe not in the same form or capacity and maybe there is not a word native to our language to describe it. Maybe there is no accurate way to quantify it or examine it as you would yarn for a scarf or thread for a needle. All of this, however, does not detract from one simple fact you have henceforth completely ignored: you have already proven your capability of caring for another creature very different from yourself. Twice.” 

Kanaya watched the tiny waves as they moved, never quite in step along their journey but… somehow, pleasantly complimenting each other. She reached forward hesitantly, the dull tip of one claw touching the water’s surface between the two pulsating points. A third set of waves appeared, smaller than the other two, but distinct. 

“I suspect you already know exactly what to do and how to go about it.”

“Perhaps I do. Still, if there is anything I can learn to ensure…” she sighed, a small smile tugging at her lips. “If there is anything I can do to keep Rose glowing, I want to be fully capable of doing it and will seek any advantage available to me.”

“Then I would say: care for her, as you have been. Support her, as you have been. And when your Little One pupates and the challenges begin, continue to care for her and support her. Something within you has brought you this far down the path, Kanaya. Listen to it. Perhaps you have more instinct and intuition than you give yourself credit. And, if I may suggest.” The Dolorosa leaned forward, her voice slightly softer as though confiding the secret to life. “Give him the chance to win a spot in your heart as well. You cannot force a bond to exist but you can control whether one has the possibility of manifesting. Allow for that.”

She nodded, looking towards her matesprit and finding another figure had joined the congregation of humans. She had never seen him before yet instantly recognized the grey cloak he wore, the hood of which was pulled low over his eyes and nearly obscured the tiny, nub like horns atop his head. She couldn’t hear anything but it looked as though he was talking to Rose. “I’m afraid, Dolorosa.”

“I know, Kanaya, but let me use your own words a moment. You said that you would do whatever it took to keep Rose ‘glowing’ did you not?”

Another nod. “Those were my words exactly, yes.”

“Then I ask you this: if you truly believed your Little One posed a threat to Rose in any sense, either physically, emotionally, or to the bond the two of you share… would he still be alive?”

“No,” she laughed then, as inappropriate as it might have been. “No, he would not.”

“And yet, he is. I looked back on my decision often enough, Kanaya. I believe it is perfectly normal to come to a divergence in the path of life, pick one road of many, and look back after a little traveling to wonder if the decision made was the correct one. This doubt is as much part of your journey through life as pain, as good and bad memories, as the bond you share with your matesprit. I know it is within us to worry about things we simply cannot change but, perhaps, it is time you stopped questioning yourself about the decision you made and start asking questions in preparation for the decisions you will make.”

“Such as?” She prodded and, for the first time since the conversation began, expected no answer.

“That is not my place to say. This Little One is not mine to look after.” 

“No, I suppose he isn’t. He’s mine, and Rose’s,” she replied, still a hint of uncertainty to her voice. She suspected there would always be a hint, though, a part of her that would never be completely sure of the path she walked. Yet, she would continue walking it. “I’m no longer alone in the desert or hiding on a meteor. I have Rose and her family to speak with regarding this and friends who admittedly might react poorly at first but will come around as they usually do. While I am not the best at communicating myself, I still have those who will listen,” Kanaya stood, watching the ripples in the water a moment before shrugging, looking back to her matesprit. “The events of our lives have been hard and will continue to test us… but someone understands.”

“Have you more questions, Kanaya?”

“Yes, Dolorosa; if there is one thing I never seem to run short on, it’s questions,” she laughed, noting that when the Dolorosa joined her the sounds were distinct. Different. She liked that. “I believe you can’t answer them for me, though. I must seek the answers with Rose, from her and Dave, Dirk, and Roxy, from John, Jane, Karkat, Vriska- on second thought, I should amend this list before proceeding. I can already foresee the impending assaults to my auditory receptors some of these conversations will entail and I should probably space them out to give myself a chance to recuperate,” she said with a happy sigh. “But they will be worth it, in the end.”

“Yes. Yes, they will.”

“Thank you, Dolorosa, for all your help. I hope you are able to find peace in these dream bubbles.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see The Signless leave the humans and begin towards the two of them. While some part of her wondered what it would be like to watch the two interact, the rest was keen on moving on from this bubble, back to the world she was beginning to adore, with the people she already did. “I will leave you now.”

“Take care, Kanaya. I will always be with you, in some form or another.”

Kanaya smiled and turned away, walking across the green grass of the clearing to where her matesprit and family stood. As she walked, she passed the cloaked form of The Signless and smiled at him; in his face, she could see Karkat and Kankri, though more of the former than the latter but that she conceded to having known one longer than the other. There was a longing in his face, not evident in his blank eyes but visible all the same- she supposed it was the look of a son reuniting with his mother. Would her wriggler ever wear a look like that?

“So, Kanny, didja have fun talkin’ to yourself?” Roxy called with an impossibly wide smile, bounding closer to her as she approached the assembled humans.

“I would not call it ‘fun’, Roxy. I would use the term ‘enlightening’ as it is far more apt a description,” she replied in a somewhat professional tone before her face softened, looking at each of them in turn. “Thank you, Rose, Roxy, Dave, and Dirk. Your help is appreciated more than I can articulate.”

“I highly doubt that, Kan,” Dave deadpanned, crossing his arms over his chest. “We all know you could articulate a cadaver to life again and then some.”

“Entire countries babble consistently because you snatch up all the articulation there is,” Dirk added, only slightly distracted by whatever his waking self was doing.

“Well, I, for one, am glad my ability to stand in a dream bubble has garnered such gratitude,” Rose fiddled with her hairband, trying her hardest to affect a cool façade. It failed to hide the slight trepidation in her lilac eyes, though. “While I still don’t agree with it, per say, I’m glad you gained something from your somewhat self-guided psychoanalysis. What amazing breakthrough did you manage to make? If you don’t mind me asking, that is; patient confidentiality is tantamount, even if you are your own patient.”

Kanaya couldn’t help it; she laughed. Not a quaint little giggle but a deep, full laugh that rose from her gut, and she stepped forward to throw her arms around the petite blonde’s waist. Without effort she lifted her matesprit up, pleased when legs wrapped around her own waist and arms settled themselves around her neck, an automatic reaction that prompted a faint dusting on creamy white cheeks.

“Simply that I, without a shadow of a doubt, love you for being the snarky broad you are, Rose Lalonde, and I will do anything within my power to keep you happy.”

There was perhaps a shade of annoyance in her eyes, enforced in her tone. It was in vain though; she could see the giddy schoolgirl Rose tried so hard to hide from everyone else practically jumping with unrestrained glee. “Kanaya Maryam, did we quite literally traverse paradox space and time, and generally accomplish something possibly very stupid, just for you to reaffirm your endless, unwavering devotion to me?”

“D’aww, so romantic!”

“Super kawaii.”

“I feel like I need some insulin shots to save me from this horrific overload of fluffy bullshit. Seriously, movie night with Karkat isn’t this gut wrenchingly adorable, and that’s saying something.”

Rose glared halfheartedly over her shoulder. “Commentary from the peanut gallery shall be kept to the bare minimum of non-existence, thank you.”

“Rosie, you’re totes adorbs when you’re all tryin’ to be a badass bitch up in here,” Roxy winked, tilting her hand as if to take a drink she belatedly realized she wasn’t holding. It was an old habit she’d yet to break completely.

Before Rose could turn her attention to the other blonde completely, Kanaya delivered a swift kiss to her cheek, colored a few shades lighter than her namesake. “To answer your question, Rose.” She paused, deliberately drawing the moment out until she had Rose’s undivided attention. “Yes.” Kanaya’s lips split into a wide grin at the stark surprise on her matesprit’s face, completely ignoring the sidebar conversation between the Brothers Strider and Roxy. “This entire endeavor revolved around confronting my own fears and doubts, the failings of my culture and the benefits of my past, for the sole purpose of setting aside the bad and taking the good for the continued application of my every fiber of being to making you as happy as possible.”  
Rose blinked, mouth opening and closing a few times as words failed to leave her throat. When she spoke, it was halting and almost broken, as though the blonde had forgotten how to properly speak. “And… how do you, ah, propose to… accomplish this task?”

“By suggesting we return to Derse and Prospit immediately so we might wake up as soon as possible without worrying about the approximate locations of our dreamselves,” Kanaya replied, determination clear in her voice.

It was at that moment the ‘peanut gallery’ decided to join in with Dave drawling out: “Wake up? What, you planning on starting some anti-sleep revolution?”

Next, Roxy piped up, face contorted in confusion. “Yo, it’s the middle of the fuckin’ night! Pretty sure it is, anyway; Time totes ain’t my thing, yo.”

“While it is always difficult to gauge the Furthest Ring’s rather haphazard abuse of Time and Space, I would venture that Roxy has an excellent point,” Rose said, turning her head to the side as she continued watching Kanaya’s face.

“Well, it’s almost ten here and Terezi is getting harder to distract,” Dirk mumbled, glancing at the other Strider. “Bro, your girl-bro is seriously creepy as fuck with that tongue thing.”

“Don’t be jealous of Terezi’s mad skills, Bro,” Dave defended before returning his focus to the flighty broads in front of him. “What with the time difference, that put you two at, oh, I’d say three minutes and twelve seconds from midnight, huh?”

Kanaya though a moment, then nodded. “Yes, though it is a bit early, it is close enough to the approximate time of night you usually awaken to check on the Little Wriggler and, tonight, you shall not be alone in your examination.” 

“Dude, she’s all up in this bitch with that serious face! She be like, serious business time an’ fuckin’ legit an’ all that!” Roxy laughed, already walking towards the edge of the dream bubble, following some internal compass leading her back to her tower on Derse. Even as she walked, a wide smile was thrown over her shoulder, looking at the happy couple. “Rosie, it’s just soooooo cute!”

“Roxy, you are henceforth forbidden from going to sleep buzzed ever again; it’s either drunk-enough-to-sleep-as-your-dreamself or stone cold sober, those are your only choices.” Rose sternly instructed, set softly on the ground after Kanaya stole one last kiss, the two walking hand in hand after their housemate. 

The Strider brothers were not far behind and Dirk chuckled. “Good luck with that.”

“Aw hell naw! You ain’t my mom this time!”

Rose sighed, massaging her temple with her free hand. “And I am suddenly inclined to monopolize the Lalonde name.”

“No.” Kanaya effectively stopped the minor argument, looking at her matesprit with a frown that immediately softened at the startled look she encountered. “What I mean is, as I understand Human customs, offspring take the surname of their parenting figure. I feel it is imperative our wriggler embrace both cultures, and while mine might be… ah, inherent, to some extent, that in no way means I intend to ignore yours. Your tradition will continue, Rose, through our… child.” Rose blinked at her, a mixture of amazement and surprise registering on her pale features. Sheepishly, Kanaya added: “His first name is still up for discussion though, which I am sure we will get to once we’ve awoken. Perhaps beginning with a ‘D’ so as to reflect his, er, Uncles? I believe that’s the term?”

Dave and Dirk glanced at each other, poker faces breaking for a split second to allow for medium sized grins that might as well be a face splitting smile for a Strider. “Yeah, Kan, that’s the right term.”

“And we’re gonna be one big, happy family! The Strider-Lalonde clan is growin’!” Roxy hopped from foot to foot, obviously incapable of containing her excitement. “We got ourselves two Striders, Three Lalondes, and Mary- wait, Kanny, are you gonna be up and takin’ the Lalonde name too? Make this whole shebang official and shit?”

“Now that’s a good question,” Dirk chimed in, tapping his chin in thought. “You gonna put a ring on it, Kan?”

Kanaya tilted her head to the side in slight bewilderment. Understanding dawned on her features a moment latter as she remembered the human ceremony bonding two mates together. “Are you asking if Rose and I are getting married?”

That did it. Snatching her wrist in a vice-like grip, Rose bodily drug Kanaya to the dream bubble’s shimmering limit with strength she rarely displayed. “We’re leaving. Now.”

Roxy giggled, following after them with Dave and Dirk at her shoulders. “You finally came around, huh Kanny? All ready to be a mom an’ everythin’?”

Kanaya noticed the fleeting glance Rose gave her- the distinct twinkle in those lilac orbs, happiness and excitement in equal parts- and smiled. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

**Author's Note:**

> So… two ways you could take this. Either the Humans and Trolls legitimately made their way to yet another session, bringing back all the deceased and Dancestors, and are going to be playing the game again in a massive 32+ player session (for the record, I emphatically believe the only truly viable session that can’t be mucked up must contain 42 players, or else Sburb/Sgrub throws in monkey wrenches like a mother fucker, which is probably how this plot bunny came into being and then suddenly rampaged way the fuck away from that somewhere)… or Kanaya accidently ingested sopor slime and had one helluva detailed hallucination/wish fulfillment dream thing while on the meteor. I honestly have no fuckin’ idea at this point. I’m not sure if I ever did. *shrug*


End file.
